THIS MORTAL COIL

Though I'm in terrific shape for a 52 year old, there is no doubt that I am a woman barreling through middle age. The signs are innumerable: 

  • When I was in my 30s and doing kung fu, if I pulled something, it would last a couple days. Now my pulls last months. I don't remember the last time I didn't have some little pull somewhere in my body.

  • I am tenacious about my sleep. I try to get at least seven hours a night. I believe that the effects of lack of sleep are broad and deeply deleterious.

  • A couple years ago I got reading glasses. My opthalmologist told me I was lucky because most people's vision starts deteriorating at 40. I remember when I was a kid I looked around the dinner table and said smugly: "Ever notice I'm the only one in the family who doesn't wear glasses?" My brother, without a millisecond's hesitation, shot back "Ever notice you're the only one in the family who doesn't read?" HAHAHA

  • I hold railings when I go down stairs now. No shit.

  • As I get older, one of my symptoms of PMS has gotten worse: my clumsiness. I'm sure it's hormonal. The week before my period I am constantly dropping shit. Thus, I hold onto my keys really tightly and handle butcher knives with extra care.

I am eternally grateful to my ex, a 34th generation Shaolin Monk, for introducing me to the notion that fitness is forever. That exercise has now become an integral part of my life and I simply can't imagine life without training. It's never too late to get in shape. I see it as a manifestation of self-love and self-respect. Though I love the way I look, I do it for my health and well-being and for my kids.

WHEN DID MEN BECOME SUCH FUCKING PUSSIES?

Let me start by saying that I was conflicted about using the word "pussies." Having posted and gotten feedback from my very smart friends, I see that I was right to be conflicted. If "pussies" refer to the actual body part, I, having birthed two children, can attest to the fact that they are superhumanly strong. If they refer to women's natures in general, I would say the same. However, I have come to use the term, as inappropriate as it might be, to refer to a certain kind of male behavior. I never describe a woman as being a pussy.

I have noticed a significant decline in the intrepidity of men when it comes to asking women out. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with technology, specifically communicating via text.

Admittedly, me and my BBR are brilliant, sexy, beautiful, and confident, thus intimidating. That said, if you can't take the heat, don't stand next to the fire, money. My most recent love approached me at a birthday party and made it clear he was interested. He asked for my number and when he called the next day (not playing the wait-a-few-days game) he said "I'd like to see you." He had me at making the first move.

Me and my crew know what we want and how to ask for it, especially those of us over 40 and 50 who have been through marriage and divorce and kids. None of us have time for a man who isn't straightforward. Firstly, pick up the damn phone. Let me hear your voice and feel your energy and vibrations. If you insist on texting, where so much nuance can get lost in translation, be sure not to send us some shit like this, which will have you curbside quick fast:

  • "What are you doing this weekend?" No. Tell me you want to see me and ask if I'm free this weekend. Stating it like that is a way to pre-empt me being busy, thus you striking out.

  • "You should come to the hotel. lol." or "You should sit on my face. lol." What the fuck is with the "lol"? Is it funny? No. Again, this is how shook men avoid rejection because if you say no, they can say "I was just kidding!" Trust that at this age, I'm not writing "Come over and eat my pussy. HAHAHA."

  • "Let's hang out." Hang out? Is that what you call it? I call it having dinner or going to a movie or going for a walk or straight fucking. But it's not "hanging out" like you do with your bros at the sports bar. Thanks, Thembisa!

I can't speak for all women, but I know me and my crew. We are grown ass women who have gotten to where we are by taking the bull by the balls. So, if you're trying to engage, grab your nuts, as my boy D'Angelo would say. Otherwise, get the fuck out of the way so the line of men standing behind you can give it their best shot.