TIMING TRUMPS LOVE

I don't believe amor vincit omnia. Love doesn't conquer all, timing does. I was head over heels in love with the father of my children; he taught me kung fu, Chan Buddhism, and the power of truly seeing every glass as being half full. "When the student is ready, the teacher will come." And it went both ways. He was raised at Shaolin Temple and I taught him a lot about living in America and running a business. 

I was sure we'd be together forever, watch our kids and grandkids hand in hand. But after 12 years of living, working, and raising children together, the love eroded slowly and surely, like a single drop of water on a rock that eventually bores a hole through it. And other than the trauma suffered by the children, I'm happy that my heart got to start anew and experience the inimitable magic of falling in love all over again.

I am strongly opposed to staying together for the children, which I think is bad for everyone. Even if the parents are Oscar winning actors who can convince the world that they are still happily in love, a child, even a baby, knows when something is amiss because they are bound to us by a profound energy that nothing can disrupt nor deceive. When I told my mentor Michael Ostin that things were bad between my ex and I, he said "Soph, is that the model of love you want for your children?" No.

I honestly don't know how couples stay together for a lifetime. I'm not saying it's impossible, nor that it's not beautiful, just that it's so hard to maintain. If we believe that we are ever evolving, which we should strive for, what are the odds that the person we fall in love with at 20, or even 30, will continue to unfold at both the same rate and in the same direction as us for the rest of our lives?

Since my ex I've met some incredible men and fell deeply in love with one in particular who was the best I've ever had in so many ways. But none of these relationships lasted because of timing--whether it was because I didn't want a boyfriend or children, he was living in another city, or he was incessantly on his grind or in a relationship. 

I think the Hallmark notion of a sole soul mate is a dangerous emotional fallacy. As I age, I grow, and only want to be with someone who inspires me to cultivate my garden, to quote Voltaire, and for whom I can do the same. I love and believe in myself too much to stay in an uninspired relationship for fear that there isn't someone else out there for me. In fact, I know that there are someone elses just waiting to collide into me and explore this beautiful mysterious journey of love.

 

BRUISED BUT NOT BROKEN

This was my theme song as I was coming out of my post-marriage funk. It was produced by my boy Raphael Saadiq and written by Diane Warren. I traveled to Europe in the fall of '07 with the wonderful Sam Martin and I listened to this non-stop. When my marriage was ending, several friends said "You're the strongest person I know." That's a profound compliment but I never said to myself "Be strong, Sophia! You'll get through this!" I always knew everything would be fine. I've never lost sleep over a break up or cried myself to sleep or couldn't get out of bed. Life is too short and once I've made a decision to leave, I'm out and never look back.

When it first became clear that my ex and I were not going to be together, I was afraid: of failure, of humiliation, of what to tell my parents. But--after four years of trying and sitting on my shrink's couch--it was an easy decision. I remember telling my mentor Michael Ostin that things were bad and he said "Is that the model of love you want for your kids, Soph?" That resonated deeply with me, particularly as I've learned so much about parenting and family from him.

And so, there I was: single, post 40, two kids, and everyone is communicating via text, sexting, sending dirty pictures. I was like Austin Powers who had just come out of his cryogenic coma. But, like everything else, I figured it out with the help of my friends. I remember the first time I had sex post-marriage Joan said "Just put on some sexy underwear and go for it." Then she remembered that all my panties looked like they were bought in bulk at Costco, and they were all large. She said "Soph, in what fucking world are you a large?!" But I did have one pink thong and got it together, got it on, and the rest is history which I'll discuss more in future posts.